I never thought I would have a miscarriage story to share or two. My first pregnancy was easy and beautiful. We had a few bumps along the way but as I learned your pregnancy plan does not always go as planned. Our baby was healthy so that was really all that mattered.
When we got pregnant the second time, we were over the moon. We were so excited to finally start growing our family. We found out very early that I was pregnant. Once we got those two pink lines, I could not contain my excitement and I started looking at maternity clothes, pregnancy announcements, and thinking about names. The day after I found out I was pregnant I called the doctor to schedule my confirmation appointment. It was so stressful waiting for this appointment. With my previous pregnancy, I spotted during the first trimester so when I started spotting with this one I knew it could be normal. But it just felt different. Finally my appointment arrived and I was nervous as hell. Sick to my stomach and an emotionally mess. A few days before, I started cramping and was passing a few blood clots. I was told that I had a subchronic hemorrhage bleed so the spotting, cramping, and blood clots were normal. Okay so I was able to take breath but wait why did I not see a heartbeat. I was told maybe it was too early. The blood test results were inconclusive so we waited a week more. And back we went, hoping and praying we would see a heartbeat this time. We went in to hear our baby’s heartbeat and left heart broken. I miscarried a week later.
Months later, we found out we were pregnant again. We were beyond excited. I cannot tell you how excited I was to see those two pink lines. I took several tests just to be sure that was what I was seeing. Although, I couldn’t help but be nervous. Almost immediately I started spotting but told myself this could be normal. I tried not to worry but deep down I was scared. I was feeling nauseous and had a heightened sense of smell, which I knew was a good sign. A few weeks went by and the spotting continued, my symptoms decreased, and I could feel something wasn’t right. It felt all too similar to the last pregnancy. But I tried to stay as positive as I could. I was sent to get blood work done. Results of the blood work were not promising. But I still had hope. Maybe I was too early for my levels to double, I tried anything to keep my hope alive. I went in for my ultrasound and they couldn’t find a heartbeat. A week later we returned but there was still no heartbeat. I miscarried soon after.
I have experienced every emotion possible and most days just seem like a blur. There are no words to describe how sad this experience is and how heart breaking. But even in these moments are heart ache, I am reminded daily how lucky I am to be a mother to such a beautiful smart energetic and oh so stubborn two year old. Every day is a gift and I will cherish every moment.
I am grateful for my family and friends. I am grateful for my sweet Claire. I am grateful for moms who have come forward to talk about their losses. I never realized how many of my friends and family have experienced a loss until I did. I think the more people that come forward and share their experiences the more we can understand and support those who grieve.
